A Transcript of Kris Interviewing Me About Dame Ruth

April 18, 2008

1. What was your first reaction when you found out Dame Ruth Dickson, Chief Executive Elitist, wanted to be Your Friend On Gather?

Well, Kris, to say The Pants were excited would be an understatement. We got so excited we not only started to refer to ourselves in the third person, but we also tried to hump our own leg. Without getting too graphic for your audience, all I can say is that it was one of the ugliest instances of self-abuse imaginable.
2. Were you aware of Dame Ruth’s existence before this?

I was. I’m not proud of this, and if my parole officer ever catches wind of it, I could be in some “trouble,” but I had a “Dame Ruth Subscription.” I had accidentally run across one of her brilliantly worded comments on one of, I believe, John O’s articles, and I clicked her profile. This was, of course, back in the days that you could do something like that and not end up having a Gran Mal seizure from information overload. I took a very snowy Sunday afternoon and studied her writings. Articles, comments — you name it. It was like I was starving and she was a loaf of bread and a jug of wine. I’m not ashamed to admit it — I have a little girl-crush on Dame Ruth. It’s a beautiful and natural thing.

3. When you found out you couldn’t actually accept her invitation, what did you do? Did “pee yourself” ever come to mind?

No. “Pee myself” did not come to mind. What immediately came to mind was, “There’s got to be a website somewhere that gives tips to would-be arsonists.” Always remember, Kids: Google is your friend.

4. How has this affected your relationship with Dame Ruth?

Well, it’s severely impeded what I would like to believe is a burgeoning friendship. I’d like the chance to dazzle her with my Stupidity, but I don’t want to presume too much since we‘re not technically “friends.” When I publish an article, I check back obsessively, hoping she’s commented on it, but I realize she can’t easily be aware of my actions. In short, our inability to “seal the deal” on our friendship is, in the words of N Sync, “tearin’ up my heart.” In fact, I feel like Joey Fatone without a sandwich — unfulfilled, void, empty.

5. Do you feel this “Hawthorne” person is in any way responsible? Why on earth would you think such a thing?

Yes, I blame that bastard, Hawthorne — I never had this problem before! And I can still receive and see friggin’ friend requests from that lunatic who’s trying to put himself through medical school solely with Gather points! Where is the justice in that, I ask you? It’s like a sick joke — any moron with a “GAME: Name Anything” can theoretically ask for and receive my friendship, but I am denied this lovely woman’s company and it makes me want to… well, the attorneys say it’s best not to show my hand.

6. Has “Hawthorne” bothered you prior to this?

Yesterday, I would have said “yes,” but I have had my treatments, much like Malcolm McDowell’s Alex character in A Clockwork Orange, and now, whenever I try to criticize Hawthorne, I become filled with, and am forced to expel, a vomitous bilge.

7. Since both you and Dame Ruth are over the age of 17 and therefore outside Gather’s hip new target demographic, do you feel there is anything you can teach other members? What?

I’m glad you asked this question, because I believe that Gather, having watched plenty of James Bond movies and then, having had them interpreted by Austin Powers movies, is aware that the most damage to an organization can come from an alliance within. In short, I believe this conspiracy to keep Dame Ruth and I apart is a measure of self-protection on Gather’s part. If we were to begin following each other around, leaving comments that were not only “smarter than the average bear’s” but spelled, punctuated and capitalized with a marked absence of internet acronyms, it might catch on. By the Arlo Guthrie definition of it, the two of us together might just look like “queers.” But if a third person were to emulate us, then we’d be classified as a “movement” and all hell could break loose.

8. Are you aware of the reinstatement of the “Hands Across America” movement to try to bring you and Dame Ruth together?

I was not aware of it, but as I have come to recently learn, Gather Friends are a quickly mobilized army and their weapons are “caring” and “love” … and in some instances, “righteous indignation” and the “ability to bitch in a generally coherent manner.” I love them all, and I appreciate their efforts. Entering into Day Two, as we are, it’s been tough on me. The not knowing, the infinite questioning — “Will Support ever respond to me?” “Will Dame Ruth get tired of waiting and find someone new?”

It’s… harrowing. And that’s not hyperbole. It’s just my heart.

9. What would you say to those determined to keep you from becoming BFFs? (See, Gather? Joinin’ that hip new target demographic here.)

I wouldn’t say it to them, because I don’t believe their attention spans lend themselves to understanding mere spoken logic. Instead, I would recreate that fabulous scene from the musical, 42nd Street and sing this:

What do you go for,
Go see a show for?
Tell the truth
You go to see those beautiful dames.

Now, I know I should probably be quoting Rent, given the mentality and age of those involved, but the Universal Truths (and Ruths,) are best found in the classics.

10. What would you say to Dame Ruth if Gather ever allowed you to speak to her?

I would tell her how I admire her wisdom and her dead-eyed accuracy with a well aimed barb. I would beg her to accept me as an apprentice. Then the questions would start: I would ask her if Tony Curtis is a good kisser. I would ask her if she’d kissed anybody else famous. Finally, I might try to amaze and astound her with a few well-dropped names of my own, but I would never presume to be on her level.

11. What would you say this has done for the following: world peace, global warming, your Gather experience, and network television?

This tragedy has done more to destroy the fabric of society than it has done to mend it. I predict that if this situation is not remedied as quickly as possible, we’ll see both an upswing of violence in the Middle East, as well as an inability to tune our coming Gather Playlists to anything other than Gangsta Rap. Seals will begin clubbing themselves, while polar bears look on in horror actually drinking Cokes.

My Gather experience has been effed for almost a week, so this just added insult to injury. As far as network television is concerned, I blame this whole “Dame Ruth & The Pants Must Remain Apart” for the fact that TV Land is now showing something called “The Big 4-0” approximately 23 times per day, thus robbing me of multiple episodes of my beloved The Andy Griffith Show.

Additionally, if something isn’t done soon, I fear that He will come like a thief in the night, you will not know the seasons but for the leaves on the trees, and the rivers shall run with blood. But, again — Gather knows best. I hope their little Apocalypse is a decent trade for my non-friendship with Dame Ruth.


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